My pride and lack of grace, supposedly

For the past few months I've been near enamored with the idea of pride. Mine in particular, mostly a silent pride. A silent killer of small aspirations or desires, I could even say. I've found in my 21 years that my pride has helped me become who I am. Yes, in general I am proud of who I am, and I can think of instances in my past where my pride has gotten in my way. Would I exchange or change any of it? No. It's all just a part of my evolution as a person, continuously growing and changing. I do tend to regret decisions and events more than I would like, but eventually I realize that I have learned from the experience. Although I've thought that my pride was not an issue, the more I experience and interact with people, I almost feel as if I should be ashamed or change.

As I was passing a church today I saw a sign that basically said that pride and grace cannot coexist *(pride and grace cannot dwell in the same place). By no means am I an avid church goer or religious individual. I'm not even sure I would go as far as to say that I'm spiritual. I do believe that there is a God, but as of now, I'm turned off by organized religion (another story for another blog, maybe). And when it comes to religion and church, pride is looked down upon. I would love for God to love me, as I have been taught that he does, but, would that be in exchange for my pride?

pride (noun): a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority; self-respect

grace (noun): favor or goodwill

So I looked up some quotes and this is one of them..."Pride is the presumption that we can be happy without depending on God as the source of our happiness and without caring if others find their happiness in God."

This is totally true. I don't go to church or read the Bible, etc. to be happy. I don't care if other people find happiness in God. I mean if you do, that is GREAT, but it is also your prerogative to not search for that happiness there. I'm hoping that this isn't coming off as anti-everything God related and religious, because that's not what I want at all.

I'm just so torn. Many of the ideals that apply to females in the church I do not support, thus, making it harder for me to embrace other ideas that I feel like will make me seem or feel inferior. I do realize that my pride is about saving facing and avoiding vulnerability, BUT that's safe, and I enjoy safe.

In all seriousness, I wonder if I keep going the way I'm going, will I always be so nonchalant about religion. Ultimately, I'm most afraid that my pride will push people away, because they won't get me, mostly because I won't allow it. Will my pride always prevent me from seeing the importance of grace? Will my pride keep me from compromise? Will my pride make me increasingly stubborn?

Somehow in my mind, these thoughts make sense, but I know in reality, this post isn't enough to completely explain where I'm coming from.

All I ask is to keep my dignity.

*added exact quotation